We're in the midst of packing. We leave Erie at 5a.m. tomorrow so are spending the night in a hotel near the airport. Of course, my Blackberry was busy with work related tasks today: a move, coaching concerns and an estate sale preparations all going on at once. My host had an accident last night and is recuperating.  I'm a bit worried but she is an RN and has "everything under control."  My mind is nearly back in Florida.  I hate to leave my friend. I love the cool northern climate.  I'm anticipating that Dave and I will be hitting the ground running tomorrow afternoon.

Vacation's just too short but I think this is the way we live, as a culture today. At least that's true for residents of the US. We still work the hardest, the longest hours and are the most productive people on the face of the earth.  We take our laptops, our cell phones, our I-phones and our Blackberries everywhere, even when we go on vacation.    Do we ever really relax?  Did I really take enough time off?  Don"t I realize the complex nature of managing the moves of seniors?   I am not going to worry about that. I  am glad to be going home to steamy Florida, to our grouchy cat,  our peaceful home -- and to work. I anticipate a lot to do and wonderful people to serve. 

What if your parent lives out of state and you must move them to a smaller place?  Perhaps you have visited them in the  hospital because they have been seriously ill and then you needed to return home.  You have used up your PTO ( Paid Time Off) and are feeling a bit at wits end.  Mom or Dad does not want to move out of their home.  It's perfectly fine according to him.  She says that she has plenty of support. "No, I won't be able to drive for 8 weeks but I have plenty of friends who can help."  You ask, "What about cooking?  I think you need to sign up again for Meals on Wheels and this time eat the food.  I found a lot of unopened meals in the frig when I came into town."   The response is, "I don't like to eat their food; I'll just get t.v. dinners."  You ask who will take them shopping and to the doctors as it seems as if most of their friends have moved out of their homes or passed away.  All of a sudden the realization comes that you are really getting "nowhere".  The Social Worker at the hospital stops into the room and wants to discuss placement for your father.  What are you going to do?  What will be the safest thing for him?

I raise these issues because we see them frequently.  Many people move to Florida to retire. Some never get involved in communities of faith because they were over involved "up north."  Others don't continue participation in civic or social groups.  Those who have such connections may no longer be able to attend worship services or meetings.  Often their friends have moved out of their neighborhoods or passed on.  My husband's parents were fortunate to live in a community where they had many friends, having lived there for over 50 years and they were charter members of their church.  Good friends would help them out.  However, they became more and more isolated.  As time passed my husband and I often spent our days off traveling some distance to mow their yard (nearly 3 acres) and taking them to doctor's appointments.  Dad had nearly lost all of his vision and mom had dementia.  We had had to disable their car some years earlier.  Finally Dave and I met with their doctor who wanted them to move immediately. We compromised by bringing in caregivers and Meals on Wheels.  Mom became angrier.  I researched senior communities, visiting them at odd times, making appointments for those which made our short list.  We finally moved them to a CCRC (Continuing Care Retirement Community) with which they were familiar.  There 24 hour support was provided.  It helped that I knew the area.

Now back to my original question?  What if you believe that you need to move your parent and you live a distance from them?  I commend you for being honest in your willingness to address the issue!  In my experience often this is not the case!  Now take advantage of available resources.  Do your homework.  Do you know what level of care your parent needs?  If so,  go to some of the informative websites such as SnapforSeniors.com. which list communities.  State websites will rate communities also.  Turn to moveseniors.com and nasmm.com which list move managers who are trained, ethically assessed and have the needed insurance to meet their needs.  They will plan a move based upon your particular needs and provide specialized services.  At one time I accompanied clients in the medical transport  that took them from the rehab center to their new apartment at an assisted living center, for instance.  A move manager might see that long distance transportation is provided if you decide to move your parent near your home also.  The main thing is to have some one who will work with you and stand in for you and do what is right.  Know that you do not need to be alone!

I was very excited about moving to Atlanta to attend Emory University but it was not the best of times for me!  In the course of 2 days I had backed into another car in a parking lot, lost my keys, yelled at my husband,  and held a 5 hour long pity party.  I work very hard to stay calm and pleasant so this was not typical behavior. I was not happy with myself but did remember learning about the need to develop a new cognitive map when moving; I was thankful that I took a class in learning theory in graduate school at Scarritt College.  When you know your way around a new city then your brain has put it into your cognitive map!  It makes a huge difference when we are able to drive to the grocery store, the gym, school and your place of worship without directions from our "GPS."   If you have moved recently and wonder why you feel out of sorts, or even lost at times, you may wonder if you feel like you're losing it!  In this fast moving world we are still human beings and it takes our mind a while to catch up with our activities.  In the world of Senior Move Management we've recognized that there is a actually a syndrome called Relocation Transition Stress Syndrome.  It takes about 6 months to acclimate to a new setting.  I think it must really be hardest for a person who has left their home of 25 to 50 years to move into an apartment or even a room in a nursing home.  Adjusting to living with a roommate was difficult for me when I was in college, even though I had always had to share a room with at least one sibling.  We did not always have the same sleep cycles.  I remember one room mate who stayed up all night and kept the over night light on.  We had to learn to like each other.  We could request changes. I think of people who I visited in nursing homes who had no control over whom their room mate was or their daily schedules.  I remember very independent clients whose health had declined; even though they moved into independent apartments in outstanding communities their new life was so very different.  They had to eat meals at certain times; they chose from menus put together by someone else.  Their was always a hall monitor!  For many the move was triggered by a decline in their health and they were aware that they might need to move to a different level of care in the future.

What a lot of adjustment there is!  Some people have great difficulty here; for others it helps to have some one to help them to process their feelings.  In the first case we recommend professional care managers; in the latter we suggest professional counselors to provide short term supportive counseling.

Just know that you are not crazy if you are having some difficulty and that there are people who can help!

One of my favorite family experiences is listening to our son and my husband watching funny television shows together.  Their laughter is so contagious and it is extremely loud.  It is no different today than it was when Merrill, now an adult, was in middle school.   I had not thought much about this until we had a guest, a single women, who was troubled and in transition.  Our visitor told me, "I have never heard that."  I asked her what she meant.  She stated that she had never heard a parent and a child enjoying each others company. 

In a way I was surprised but on the other hand I had not grown up with a father at home. My father died when I was young and had seldom lived at home.  I have few memories of him and most are sad rather than happy.  Nor do I have experiences with grandfathers.  I am fortunate to have a spouse who is very different.

One thing I have always appreciated about my husband, Dave, is that he enjoys being with our children.   It was harder during the teen years but it's great when our children are adults and enjoyable companions. 

Dave inherited his lovely laugh from his mother and his artistic side from both parents whom we all adored.  As we move to celebrate Father's Day this coming Sunday Chantal and I will probably shed some tears in remembering "Dad Hutchens".  He became the father I had never known and was a  wonderful grandfather.  Dad was a very quiet person and mom the extrovert.  He and mom created a setting that was a child's dream, putting in a small lake and a row boat, building a miniature tractor and then a replica of an old steam engine with cars for each grandchild and a track.  That train brought joy to our children and then thousands of others, all because, at the age of 4, Merrill had said, "Grandpa, you need a train" and Dad embraced his own inner child. 

I think it was still May when I noticed the first television commercial for Father's Day.  I started wondering what gift to purchase for Dave.  When I ask him he really wants, he says, "Nothing."  It's not things that really matter; it's the relationships and experiences we have.  Instead of worrying about what gift to purchase your father or grandfather, I encourage you to do two things and he will receive another kind of a gift, one to treasure.

1. Have fun!  Use Father's Day to laugh together -- whether watching the World Cup  Summer  or a silly movie, or playing "Marco Polo" in the pool.  This is a good way to begin to build a deeper relationship. Humor is a wonderful glue.

2.  Talk with older people about their lives before it is too late to truly know them.   When working with dying people in my hospice work  families would, more often than seems believable, discover that one of their parents had another family.  After the divorce nothing was spoken of them. Can you imagine learning you have half siblings and a stepparent?  As dad grew older he opened his heart in writing about his childhood. He talked about dreams let go.   He became the Hutchens' storyteller. I have put some of that history in notebooks. Today there are companies that provide professional help in recording stories. See www.legaciesandlifelines.com.  

One of my favorite tasks when serving as a hospice chaplain was leading the annual Veterans Day program in Nursing Homes. We sang all of the anthems of the armed service branches; the older generation knew every word of them. We honored the citizen soldiers who had served in our military along with their family members. We talked with them about their experiences, often one on one.  Sadly very often we met young men and women who had served in recent wars. We took remembrances to the rooms of those unable to attend, many who could not speak of their experiences.  It was just too painful but they appreciated being honored.

On this Memorial Day weekend we remember those who made the ultimate gift of their lives, those who never returned to their homes. The stark white graves in military cemeteries across the Atlantic are a sober reminder of the reality that they never returned home. The people I met in the nursing homes and assisted living communities reminded me of another kind of death. So often these were people whose lives had been destroyed by their war experiences. They had turned to alcohol or another destructive substance in seeking to erase the memories of killing a person or liberating a death camp.  Surveys of veterans since Napoleonic and Civil War times have revealed that people do not want to kill another person.  Marshall's post World War II survey of returning veterans as reported in his book, Men Against Fire,  stated that only 15 to 20% of veterans would fire on another person, even when ordered to do so. This was corroborated in Norman L. Russell's* interviews of World War II and Vietnam veterans in videos he wrote and  produced for PBS-TV program entitled, Fathers and Sons:  Two Generations of American Combat Veterans. 

Whether the hatred we experience towards other people is within us since birth has been debated through the generations; however, most authorities believe that we must be taught to hate. In my pastoral care days the most bitter, prejudiced people were those who were  wounded inwardly.  These were not the veterans whom I met in the nursing homes or in the inpatient units. Perhaps they had been in those emotional places at another time in their life. Now most were struggling with the meaning, recognizing that life was indeed "passing them by." Many had previously drowned horrific war memories in alcohol or other drugs, had stopped that practice and now could not escape them.  We sought every best practice to alleviate their suffering.  Some had had great emotional control but the attacks of "911" opened up their dark places, to the point of their having to be placed on mental health wards.

In my current work I often provide services to our country's most resilient heroes; these are men and women who have survived their days as citizen soldiers and spouses and have lived long enough to move into senior communities. I weep when I think of the young men and women who died long before their time and I am grateful to know many who have given so much to so many.

*Norman L. Russell is actually my brother; his signature work is his book, Suicide Charlie, which was published by Praeger Publishers in 1993.  Like him, all members of our family were profoundly affected by our father's participation in the infantry in World War II. He did return but the war, as I see it, destroyed his spirit.

"You're moving?  Where are you going?"  Actually, "Nowhere!"  Some people thought we must be moving because we are painting our house. It's really about time; Dave painted the outside last year but we just needed to freshen up the inside!  We  have 3 decorators on our staff who often remind me when our home looks "tired" and cheer me on when we make changes.  My husband, Dave and his family are artists, too, so we have many paintings and carvings to rotate and keep things bright.   We still will have to declutter regularly as they are working on us so we could sell this house if we needed to.
It is interesting, though, that many older people have decided not to fix up their homes before putting them on the market, according to recent studies.  The problem is that most home buyers can't see beyond the decor and furnishings of a home; only 10 percent do. Buyers can be fussy.  Often they are pressured. When we bought our current house I had been researching homes online and we had visited several.  A death in the family, working long hours, maintaining a home and working with a realtor who sent us to "fixers up" and cluttered homes was irritating me. We "got" another realtor,  took a short cruise and gave ourselves a short deadline.  We knew this house was perfect for us.  We loved the garden areas, the back yard, the decor, and the cleanliness. We bought it that day and still love it.  Every seller can connect with the right buyer.  
Still we are hearing from people who are having difficulty selling their homes. I know that the economy may be a problem and that there are many houses available for sale.  Some homes in the Orlando area where I live sell quickly, in as few as 42-45 days even though we have one the highest  foreclosure rates in the country and an unemployment rate of over 12 percent.

  FOUR TIPS TO  HELP YOU SELL YOUR HOUSE
1.  Paint.  We have 2 clients who are getting ready to put their houses on the market. Both homes have up-to-date paint colors and coordinating window treatments in their homes. A younger, first time buyer will feel at home there. The first time home buyer incentive has  passed but these people will be buying; the prices and interest rates are still great. If a house looks dated I encourage clients to spend money on painting; the cost is really minimal, even if you need to employ an outside company to do the work. 2. Cleanliness and  Neatness. Declutter, declutter, declutter. We all have too much paper and too much "stuff,"  unless we are "minimalists.  As we say in the office, it seems as if computers have multiplied the amount of paper we use.  Don't feel bad or guilty if you are overwhelmed.  Have a professional organizer help if you need to do so.  I pay my organizers out of my personal funds to periodically declutter; they accomplish a lot in two hours.
3.  Curb appeal.  Buyers run from scruffy yards with dead plants.  Make sure trash cans are put away, your front door is welcoming.  Place some bright plants near the entrance.  Also, pay attention to safety. Be sure there are no cords or items a person could trip over.
4.  Great Looking Bathrooms and Kitchens. You don't need to spend a lot of money to achieve a current look. Add some accessories. Replace dated lights. We shop Estate Sales and Craig's List for these items but if you prefer they are relatively inexpensive at stores with close outs.  . And put personal things out of the way.  Buyers "will make themselves at home."  They will look into closets, medicine cabinets, and cupboards.  
Note, I have not said, "Bring in a professional who will redo your whole house, rent rooms of furniture and charge you several thousands of dollars.   Your home can look wonderful if you do your "homework".  If you want professional help I recommend securing the services of a person who is Certified in Redesign and Staging. will work with the things you have and upgrade as you need. No, I am not moving. Hopefully we will stay in this house for years but you never know what may happen. Some of our clients have had to move suddenly because of acute health changes. Could we all not benefit from living in a beautiful, neat,clean safe environment?

*An experienced professional organizer is usually a member of the National Association of Professional Organizers.  A directory for your area is found at the website www.napo.net. 

I have revised a paper which I wrote with Mary Jo Kusiak when we  sought to recreate "The Top Ten Reasons Seniors Should Move" into a proactive list of tips.  Use them to plan for a future based upon your cultural and geographic preferences, resources and strengths.  They are not put in a particular order.  "TOP TWELVE TIPS FOR KEEPING IN CHARGE OF YEARS 55 TO 100"

12) Be creative, have fun, and enjoy planning for your future.

11) Keep an open mind, and know that mixed up or conflicted   feelings are quite normal.

10) Do self-monitoring.

9)   Anticipate your needs, plan ahead, and be prepared.

8)   Know what community resources are available such as health care, transportation and senior living communities. Research your options.

7)   Know your financial resources.

6)   Be realistic.

5)   Put your wishes, plans and intentions in writing via Healthcare Advance Directives, Wills/Trusts, purchase of long term care insurance, and other relevant documents.

4.)  Organize your documents and valued papers and make sure a designated person knows where to find them.

3)   Discuss your thoughts, feelings and plans with one or more of the following based upon your preference and needs: trusted family members, friends, clergy persons, and professional counselors or coaches.

2)  Be willing to compromise  in order to maximize control.  For instance if you live in a community where you no longer have friends or relatives would it make better sense to move closer to people who provide at least emotional and social support, into a place you choose?

1)  Be, creative, have fun, and enjoy planning for your future. (We are seeking to make a point here!) You can reach Ann Hutchens at 407-699-5600 or 1-888-973-3335.

In her book, Eliminate Chaos, Laura Leist tells about her grandmother's way of letting go of belongings; after her 91 year old husband died, she decided it was time to downsize. she made a box for each family member into which she put pictures and memorabilia related to them. It was up to them to decide what to do with the items.  This is a person after my heart but not the average person whom we move.  Usually the sorting process has been long and difficult before the move.  Some people just refuse to downsize and take everything.  Older people may be hoarders.  Years ago, when I was a pastor, I remember walking into the first home where it was obvious that the occupants had hoarding issues. Newspapers, at least 6 feet high filled each room. I could barely breathe. Finding a place to sit down was difficult. In this case every member of the family participated in the lifestyle.  However, their home was not nearly as full of things as many of the rooms you see on the current television programs on hoarding nor other places where we have worked. Some might characterize my husband's parents as hoarders; they never threw away a piece of correspondence from family or friends, a cancelled check or a part from one of the many machines dad had built. He even kept the old part for some reason. When we decluttered their house we gave many things to family or charity, sold considerable items, and filled a dumpster for a lot of unusable items.  Were they hoarders? I don't think so; they were thrifty people from the generation that saved items for future use.  However, it became important for us to declutter and to organize their apartment when they downsized, for safety and health reasons. Since I worked with older adults I understood the issues involved.  It was difficult to discuss this with mom and dad but essential.
When you begin to wonder if your parent is a hoarder it is important to start talking.  I recommend that you visit the website of the National Study Group on Chronic Disorganization and to download the clutter scale there and use that as a basis for discussion.  Assess your own lifestyle; gently recommend that your parents use the scale.  It may be found at  http://www.nsgcd.org/resources/clutterhoardingscale.php. 
Do not be judgmental.  Older people just may not physically be able to keep up with all the mail, cleaning and daily tasks.  If the survey results do indicate that there is a hoarding issue then secure the support of a professional who is able to be objective and help to address "the elephant in the room. "

The NSCDG website cites Steketee and Frost in

Compulsive Hoarding and Acquiring Therapist Guide in stating that some of the issues that must be addressed are whether or not the person's lifestye reveals the

Accumulation and failure to discard a large number of possessions that appear to most people to be useless or of limited value;

Extensive clutter in living spaces that precludes activities for which the rooms were designed;

Significant distress or impairment in functioning caused by the hoarding;

and that  the person may be unable to organize the possessions.

The important thing is to share your concern and take action. So often because we respect our parents, or because of long term ways of communicating with them, we say nothing.  In the case of compulsive hoarding mental health support is essential.  For safety and physical health we have to act!

 I never knew when the phone would ring to let me know mom or dad had an emergency.  Dad was blind and the caregiver "in residence" and mom was in the stage of dementia when we really wanted them to move out of their home. We were miles away. Dad had been the eyes when mom drove their nearly ancient car.  We disabled their car. Even though our children lived "in the area" I was the official caregiver.  We met with their family doctors and sought to compromise because mom and dad had lived on the same few acres for 60 years, in a different house but this was a long time in one place. We were trying hard to keep mom and dad there because they wanted to stay "in our home" but it was hard.  At one time dad had a severe gall bladder attack in the middle of the night and had to go the hospital.   Mom would become angry and leave. We feared that she would not return. We brought in daytime caregivers but mom wouldn't let them cook or clean.  One aide spent hours on the telephone; dad reported this.  He was blind but could hear her. The records proved him right. The house only got cleaned when we came to town but we were'nt allowed in their bedroom.  We arranged for meals-on-wheels. Several times the meals-on-wheels volunteers could not locate their house; when they did the food went uneaten.   I did not sleep well at night; it was easier for Dave.

In this day and age it may be the "economy"; your teenagers or your health but for many baby boomers and people in the "silent generation" it may well be our parents.  Many people tell me that their late 80's and 90 something parents refuse to move out of their homes, even when it is obvious that their well being is at stake. If your parents' well being  are keeping you awake at night, I encourage you to take stock. Review the Top Ten Reasons Seniors Should Consider Moving on our website and find a way to "have the talk" with them.  In our case we invited all of the family members to meet with a family counselor who could objectively help us discuss our concerns with mom and dad.  Mom and dad basically were unwillingly to communicate with us at the meeting; I felt sad because I wanted them to feel that they were "in charge of their move" when the time came.  However, I learned that dad really had preferred to defer to my decision making since I was the person he and mom had asked to be the trustee/caregiver when that time came.  He very well understood that their health concerns were so great that a family member could not meet their needs but he could not articulate them. He trusted me to make the right decision for them. My generational need to communicate verbally differed from theirs. Now if you are not sleeping well at night because you visited your parents recently and recognized that they need to change, I encourage you to take some steps.  If you have received emergency calls from neighbors, one of your parents or their doctor it is time to make decisions and move. Their safety and that of others is of foremost importance.  Actually, mom and dad complained often when we visited them after their move to a continuing care retirement community,* or a place where their needs would be met until the end of their lives. This did not have a "easy ending for the family." I discovered that they were well socialized into the community as time went by. Mom who was more extroverted had made friends; her isolation gone and the community had become home. Dad participated in many activities, too; but, as an artist, spent considerable time reflecting and remembering. About 6 months before he died he told me that his days "were full."  He was "content."  *If you are beginning the search for the best place for yourself or your parents to reside, consider various options. The traditional "CCRC"  is not as expensive as you would think. You do pay a "buy in" fee but these are often very reasonable and the communities offer incentives and creative ways for you to pay.  There are many Assisted Living Communities which provide a high level of care, too.  Go to SnapforSeniors.com to find a community in your area. Visit each prospective community. Drop in and then make an appointment for a tour if the feel seems right for you. Also if you have an urgent need call us at 407-699-5600. We will provide an initial consult at no charge and refer you to professionals such as care managers if there is a need for further support. I do know what's it like to stay awake, or even to have my sleep interrupted. My hope is for more peace for you.

For many, the shows on hoarding are fascinating. We wonder how anyone "can let their home in THAT condition."  We can feel better about our own disorder and piles of "junk" that we have yet to "get around to." I admit I became an organized person partly because of the emotional chaos in my family of origin and my own lack of order.  As a small business owner, I would rather be working on an income producing project than organizing the office and things do pile up at times, even with good support there.  We have more work to do than is reasonable.  Still, I find myself feeling bad when I really take a look at my work area -- my staff are much neater than I am!

Recently both the TLC and A&E cable networks have been providing a valuable service in airing shows on people with hoarding disorders. These brave people do indeed have conditions that require both professional psychologists and organizers.  We are learning more and more about them. We experience their sense of being overwhelmed, their sadness, loneliness and their shame. Even family members have not been invited to visit because of the extreme disorder in their homes.

Yet, often people will say to me, "I'm a hoarder." when actually there is too much to do in a day, a week and a month. We now bear work loads that previously at least one other person held; all this media and electronic support is supposed to simply things and shorten time requirements. Instead we have more to do. Still we get things done more quickly; unless we have to undo something. For instance, my Facebook account was recently highjacked; I made the account changes and it's been fine. Today I am unable to get into the account again. I am concerned that I have been taken to a false account to reinstate my password. I wonder how long it'll take me to straighten this out. I have become impatient because I am used to being able to move quickly.

I will admit that so much information is available to me quickly now and that I am able to communicate to people around the world that that part of my nature yells out, "Why didn't you know that was going to happen?," too? Now I recognize that I am both impatient and feel bad about my lack of electronic and paper organization.  I start thinking in "black and white" terms rather than realizing what I do accomplish on a day to day basis. This is called "Labeling" in "Cognitive Therapy," one of the 'cognitive distortions." In this case the authors of Overcoming Compulsive Hoarding state, you "call yourself a bad name because of a mistake or bad experience, but you mean that name as a trait or characteristic."  Many of us have inner critics who are very unkind--what  Transactional Analysis describes as the Critical Parent. We have received harsh messages from authority figures through the year and they stay in our subsconscious.

I would suggest that we recognize what we are thinking and then seek to let it go, "There I go again," I say. A wise person taught me to do that!  Recognize that there will be time to take care of what really needs to be done. Moreover, we need to reward ourselves when we do complete a task or make progress. I spent time working in the yard on Saturday and we saw a delightful movie, in a theater, yesterday -- both treats for me.

What are these hoarding shows teaching me about human nature? We are very hard on ourselves.  We need support from friends who will let us know that it is alright to be human. Yet when this is not enough I encourage you to secure professional help; go to the website: nscd.org to find information and download their clutter scale to assess where you are. Utilize professional organizers who will refer a psychologist or Licensed Clinical Social Worker, such as Mary Jo Kusiak, the consultant from our staff to work along with you. Know you are not alone.

Overcoming Compulsive Hoarding, New Harbinger Publications, Oakland, 2004, was written by two Ph.D's and a medical doctor and can be purchased through your major book sellers.